Discovering Leticia (My anxiety)

Mental health problem do not have a certain look, there are no physical signs that show when you suffer from it. Most of the time before people get used to me, they assume that i am a bubbly and confident person and when they find out that i suffer from anxiety. They say things such as "I never would have thought that you have mental health problems, you look fine to me". How am i supposed to look like? Not only is the statement ignorant but offensive as well. What do you expect from me to carry my fears around on my forehead for your convenience?. We are not looking for pity or special treatment when we disclose our mental issues but we need you to understand that what we are going through may result in a behavior that might come of as offensive and we need you to know it is not intentional. How many times has a friend or a loved one told you to "snap out of it" when you were having a meltdown. If it was that simple we would not need to be told to do ...

Distracted and derailed. Distracted and derailed,feeling the reigns slip through my hands.  And I thought you were here to stay,please stay because with you at least I am still sane. Sanity seems so foreign to me but it’s strength I am trying to regain… for so long I thought things with you will never be the same, little did I know this time was all I had and it is all I needed to save from the memories captured and put in a frame. Please i am begging you to stay, remember you are my saving grace and without you my heart is just an empty space.  You said you will never leave but I guess that was also staged. Distracted, derailed but most of all I feel betrayed by the one that got away. My anger is always misplaced.

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Chakra to the rescue After a lot of time spent on research and finding ways on how to best manage anxiety, I have gotten to learn about Chakra therapy which I have to say it has become a thing to use for anxiety relief.  What is Chakra? I know like the rest of us you are probably wondering what Chakra means but lucky for you I did the much needed reading on the topic and I will share the information here with you. Chakra is a Sanskrit word derived from the word "Cakra" which means "disk" or "wheel". It is believed to be a wheel of light or energy moving in circular motion in your body system. There are 7 different types of Chakra as you would see on the picture above and when one of them is blocked, we get the feelings of fear and anxiety.  In this post we will focus only on the Chakra that is mostly associated with anxiety and this particular one is your 5th Chakra known as the "Manipur a" or as I like to cal...

Did I get ever tell you about the day Leticia and I decided that we will not go to parties as a plus one? Well let's get right to it then and I promise you are going to love it. For obvious reasons we don't normally do anything that involves large crowds and socialisng but this is not why we stopped agreeing to be anyone's plus one. Okay maybe partly. This is how it all started when a friend of mine gave me a call and for the record I hate phone calls. I know when some people think it's weird and you thought it too but they just make me uncomfortable. It was a fine day and the atmosphere was great, I am lazying around the house with a book in my hand and my earphones are plugged in. My phone rings and I try to avoid it for a while because how dare she call me? Couldn't she just text me like a normal person?. Sigh! The ringing gets annoying I eventually pick up and she says "Hi, I know you are probably busy and sorry to call you".  Damn rig...

Common ground   I have come to learn that Leticia and I have something in common which is a very huge deal since we barely agree on anything, actually we never agree on anything. It is weird to know that we both love something that is good for the both of us and actually keeps us both sane, I am a music lover and so is she. Music has a way of soothing the soul and calming the brain in a way that makes you feel relaxed and happy.  When my brain goes into that "flight or fight" mode, music is known to be able to reset all of that back to what I like to call "factory settings". This is why I carry my earphones in my bag everywhere I go, my mom thinks it is for me to shut the world out which is partially true because then I can avoid human contact. But it is for me to be calm and not overthinking at all times.  Leticia's favorite is "Daddy lessons" by Beyonce, we love it because it's an upbeat tune, hard to ignore and makes you...

Is it just me or does anyone else have trouble with dating when suffering from anxiety? I have had to sit it out for a while trying to figure out how to get back into the dating scene. I mean do I like anyone? Of course and am I talking to someone? Damn right I am but with Leticia you can never really go beyond that. I find myself constantly overthinking and in fear of what the person might think if they find out about Leticia. Not everything is as it looks with me because one minute we could be happy and in love but the next minute I am down and out not feeling like company or being around anyone at all. Leticia has this thing where she keeps telling me that I am not good enough for the person or he is not going to be here for too long then I get scared and hold back. Do you know how hard it is for me to go out on a date? As hard as building a rocket would be for an Accountant like me. First is the issue of dressing up, nothing ever looks good enough, secondly going out to ...

There is honestly no telling when an attack is going to happen or where that is why you need to know what fuels your anxiety the most. It is different for every single person but I will tackle a few points to help with that.  What are my triggers? I want you to look at it like this when you walk into a pharmacy to purchase any kind of medication when you get to the counter they do not just take anything and give it to you. They first need to know the problem you are having whether is an ear infection or a sore throat then recommend whatever treatment might work best for that particular sickness. Same goes for anxiety, when you know what triggers it then you can know how to best avoid it or deal with it head on. It could be a person, a place or something you hear, stress or even health problems like missing your meals. For me it is mostly social settings and work, I do not know how to handle large crowds or how to behave in such a way that I end up avoiding any human in...

Ever felt like your own thoughts are starting to consume you? Like your own mind is plotting against you? I know most of you have and let me tell you that you are not alone. Often we try to put our game face on and mumble a silent “I am fine” accompanied by what it is supposed to be our million dollar smile but we are fighting internal battles that we are not winning. I’ve recently had to sit in a room full of friends and that is a place where you’d expect me to feel loved and happy right? I am afraid not. With all this laughter and joy all around me I still feel these walls closing in and I slowly lose my breath though I am not showing, I am silently screaming for help because these thoughts inside me are fueling up emotions of self pity and loneliness. How many times have we all just wanted someone to hold us and tell us that we are not alone and it will all get better but since everyone else is busy and honestly do not care, we just keep it in and let it eat us up. You kn...

There are a few things people say to you when you are suffering from anxiety attacks,thinking they are being of help when it is quite the opposite.  When something is on fire you do not reach for petrol same way you do not tell a person having an anxiety attack to "calm down". Oh!  funny that you think I am overreacting when my mind is experiencing something close to a malfunction and my lungs are just giving up on me therefore I cannot breathe. It is understandable not to know how to help or react when one is having an attack but stop trying too  hard, maybe just hold them tight.  While telling them everything is fine or everything is going to be alright. That is all they need in that moment, to be comforted and reassured. We often master the art of breathing to cope. You know the basic count from 10 to 1 then breathe in and breathe out. As simple as it may seem it actually saves us from a lot. I remember once when I had to go to a panel interview for a ...

We had only known each other for well over a week but believe me I fell head first in love with him for the purpose of this let us call him “Chris”. At first Chris was everything I hoped for in man, yes he was stylish, good looking and a true gentleman. No wait! He was almost everything that I hoped for except the fact that he had a way of bringing out Leticia every now and then, he can be very harsh and rude you see. We both know how Leticia feels about sharing so her discovering that there is someone else besides her occupying space in my heart and mind, two of her favorite spots in the house was not so pleasant. She got her sass on telling me how Chris is going to leave me and how I don’t deserve him. I do not understand why she has to be so mean to me. I mean she is just a tenant in this house after all. But there is a stranger in our house, one who makes me feel like Leticia doesn’t have to exist and one who is m...

I wake up this morning and to my surprise we are on good terms with Leticia, I know for sure because I have piece of mind. She probably went for a walk or something but this me time I will appreciate. I wanted to explain to you why I decided to name my anxiety but I won't say why I chose the name Leticia. When I got to know that I have anxiety I didn't take it quite well, this was mostly because maybe I didn't want people to treat me like something is wrong with me. I didn't want people to think of me as a "nutcase" because most of the time that's what society sees mental health problems as. So I learned that for people to accept this and for them to understand it better, it was time for me to be familiar with it. Then I can be comfortable talking about it with people and making them aware of what it is, how it affects me but most importantly that it is nothing be scared of or ashamed of. But for one to be familiar with someone you n...

I started realizing that I have a problem back when I was in high school. Where by rather than being out in the streets gallavanting in the streets with my peers getting up to no good, I was pretty much more comfortable being at home laying in my bed reading a book. My mom thought I was just a "nerd" but the truth is that I was really scared. I couldn't go out to face the world alone because I didn't know what will happen or what will people think of me or if I will be able to keep up a conversation for too long. I didn't know what it was called but I knew I had to have a problem because this was nowhere near normal.

The most difficult thing about dealing with Leticia(my anxiety) is the constant overthinking and the fear of the unknown. When I think about it now I’ve always had her for a while but I didn’t know that this is a disorder or what it is called even. But when I think back to most moments in my life, I can see the symptoms and the consistency in my behavior. Living with Leticia is the hardest thing I’ve had to go through in my life and I know that I am not alone because a lot of us have our own personal Leticia’s but we are not aware. It’s the little things like changing your outfit 2 or 3 times before you go for what you usually wear because everything else just doesn’t look good on you and it will make people think you are too thin or too fat. It’s things like making plans with your loved ones and hours before they happen you think “no thanks, I rather stay in bed” and not because you don’t want to go but you don’t know if you can handle being around people for a long time or if y...

I have recently reconnected with Leticia (that’s what I call my anxiety but don’t ask), she was never really gone but went away for a while. You see Leticia and I have the kind of relationship where one is the dominant and the other is submissive but you already know who’s who. Now let me introduce you to her and the type of person she is, I promise you will learn to like her. She is sassy, loud and has a bit of an attitude like I would see an outfit I like and all she will say is “that wouldn’t even look good on you” and I won’t get it because somewhere deep down I think she is always right. She is the honest type of person but way too honest but I promise you she is a nice person. Oh and did I mention that she is jealous? We’ve always been together and it has just been the two of us for a long time. Now imagine me trying to invite someone else into our space, she is having none of that. Leticia is the reason I don’t go out anymore because she doesn’t do crowds, she is the ...